I, I did it all

As I am writing this post, I am continuing to hum/sing (badly) One Republic's song "I Lived."  It is a reminder that you have the make the most of every day!  It came on the radio today as I headed over to my doctor's office.  I called today to schedule my next appointment.  That appointment was for me to get the next and last round of Lupron.  (summary of the whole Lupron thing and surgery here) I will have an appointment but I will not be doing that last round of Lupron.

Why?  My pain has not gone away.  I am no longer sleeping well because I hurt.  What is scary is that the pain has started on my right side (where I have no girly organs because they were surgically removed) and is now on my left side too.  The pain is excruciating.  The medicine that helps I can't take during the day so I just deal with the pain.  Like I tell my students, "suck it up, buttercup."

Why else?  Not only did the pain not go away but BONUS I got migraines.  Due to the migraines, I had to go on another medication to counterbalance it.  Oh, and I am also taking ANOTHER medication to balance my hormones.  I am like an old lady with all of the pills that I have to take.  As in I seriously do own one of those giant pill boxes.  Go ahead and laugh.  I giggle every time I use it.    

So I will be keeping that appointment but rather than getting that last injection I will be hearing what my options are.  Honestly, I am fully expecting the word "hysterectomy" to come out of my amazing doctor's mouth.  We went into this with her wanting to do what we could to avoid it but I have a feeling that there is nothing left.  There is a drug trial going on in the lower 48 but it is incredibly lengthy and I honestly don't want to deal with the pain as well as the uncertainty for that length of time.  I can't believe I just said that I was a possible candidate for a drug trial.  When did that become my reality?  Sometimes that is hard to wrap my mind around.  Where did the days go when I didn't just hurt?  I have a no-fun disease and it hugely impacts my life.

Not going to lie, some days it is INCREDIBLY difficult to be a strong person.  It is INCREDIBLY difficult just to function.  Even more, it is INCREDIBLY difficult to go to work and do the job that I do.  Some days I just get so tired of being tired and sick and feeling like crapola.  I tend to smile and laugh through my days so most people have no idea how difficult it is, how much energy I exert in putting that version of Jami out there.  I do it because there is no other option.  It's not like I can take a vacation from all of this.  There is no break.  There is no reprieve.  It is what it is.  Like I told my mama earlier, the only option I do have is to put one foot in front of the other.

Ugh this whole thing is crazy.  CRAZY.  I am a 30 year old woman who is looking at a hysterectomy.  However, I am a 30 year old woman who is married to the absolute best man.  I have 2 beautiful, amazing kids (that are complete blessings because I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids).  I have a wonderful, supporting family.  I have friends who are like family that are the best.  At the end of the day, it's all good.

 

"I Lived"

Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
You'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup

I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived